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I had to amputate my on arm

I had to amputate my on arm with a pocket knife and it wouldn’t break so I karate chopped the bone. Then hours later I had to amputate the other arm and wouldn’t do it myself but instead let a professional wrestler do it but no before we slammed a few beers. He got the job done and I waited outside afterwards with my mother where she was arrested for abortions. The. My wife Danielle encouraged me to drink even though she never has and is against it.